Boundaries....Inauthenticity no more.
I have just jumped on the Brene Brown wagon after watching Russel Brand's interview, Under The Skin with Brene Brown. The interview had touched on a range of topics that I love and have a lot of passion for and my husband has been talking about Brene Brown's rules of boundaries for quite some time now......(sometimes I am slow learner of awesome stuff).
She uses the acronym B.I.G. and please forgive me for not getting it exactly right, but the acronym stands for:
"Be in my Integrity to be Generous." Wow! So simple yet so very true.
She stated that those with the most compassion for others in the world have boundaries of steel.
This doesn't mean in order to be compassionate you must have a heart of steel, instead you must love yourself first. Honor yourself and know where your boundaries are in order for you to remain compassionate and generous.
I was not taught how to set boundaries in my relationships. I was taught about sexual boundaries, time boundaries, and content boundaries (what to watch and not watch). I was told to not let anyone run me over and I was told that it's my life and I can choose..... UNLESS the parent disagrees, then comes in the guilt, disappointment and the look of shame and disgust....many times that was followed by a cold shoulder or a harsh pointing of fingers and judgments .... also known as name calling.
Ahh, I don't know why I am using the verb in the past tense. This is still happening in my life and I am 36.
That's it. I was not taught or shown how to set healthy emotional boundaries. Thank God, that I have married a man who knows the importance of this golden rule, boundaries of steel. This rule has become the foundation of our recent marriage and how we raise our children. This has come late in my life, but not too late. It is never too late to claim yourself. There are days when it is very difficult to keep my own boundaries just to keep the peace and please someone else and there are times I find it hard to reign in myself and respect my husband's boundaries. To not throw my hands up and say, "This is too hard and I am done!"
The rebirthing of oneself is not suppose to be easy. We are supposed to come out of the birth canal to gain wisdom and to grow into our full Selves. We are suppose to change.
I have come into a beautiful place in my life where I can stop anywhere in my day and send back energy that doesn't belong to me and call back all of my energy or power that I gave away. This is an amazing spiritual technique to healing and being present with yourself, however, avoiding others and the conversation of your boundaries is inaction and goes against transformation. We must do the hard work of birthing.
Now, for the truth of the day: This is where I have been with a parent in my life for the past 6 plus months. I set a BIG boundary. A wall so high and thick to protect my heart. However, after watching Brene Brown's interview I was reminded that I have not stated my boundary out loud to my parent and in not doing so, I feel restless and I am so very tired. I feel heavy hearted, vulnerable and wary knowing that I must have this conversation, but keep saying, "tomorrow." Now is the time to transform and to do the hard work and to stop avoiding a difficult conversation, just because I am scared. Fear is the portal.
I surrender, I no longer want to pretend that I am something that I am not to my parent. I want to be able to be honest with who I am. Live my life the way I choose. To not be judged by my choices. I want to be enough. I want what everyone wants, unconditional love.
My late but so great boundaries:
1. I cannot pretend to be or avoid who I AM with someone else and be able to grow and be fully me at the same time. Pretending to be someone I am not, is not honoring myself and not a loving act....it is lying.
2. I can no longer, nor do I want to spend my time on a relationship that puts me in a space, a box, or corner that does not allow for my full being to shine or speak.
3. Changing who I am to please others is pretending, lying and dimming my light and it takes my power and is not a healthy relationship....in fact it is not a relationship. It tells me that I am not enough the way I am and I am kindly saying, "No, thank you. I am worthy of love."
Join me in what I am calling Lie Fasting! Stop pretending, lying and dimming your light. Be fully you. You may find friends, family and support fade and disappear but allow for space they left behind to be filled with God's Grace. You are enough and it is time to shine your light. Your unique light that you were born with. The world is excited to see your beautiful cosmic light.
I have learned that some will disagree with your actions, choices, partners, lifestyle and if they do so it is because of their own fear of change and their own attachment to their comfort. Their comfort includes you remaining familiar to them.
Have compassion, be generous with your love, but keep your integrity.
Brittany Fentress
