What do you do when your fears and triggers set in motion the fears and triggers of your spouse? What happens when you become magnets, but push each other away instead of attracting each other? What do you do? How do you move forward?
My husband Simon and I had a very difficult July. Right off the bat it brought in the big slugger that causes an immense fear in all arenas.......lack.
Lack of not being enough.
Lack of abundance.
Lack of love.
Lack of energy.
Lack of sex.
Lack of money.
Lack of Divine communication and love.
Lack of support and friends.
Lack of work.
Lack of.....(you fill in the space)....it was there!
When my root chakra gets off balance and my fears of security, safety and well being are perceived of being threatened, I become physically paralyzed. Unable to be physically intimate with my husband. Unable to desire or even consider being loved or touched. Even the thought or the idea to reach out and be intimate with my husband doesn't cross my mind.....I am in complete paralysis. Stuck. Stuck in a strange place where I know I do not belong nor want to be in. It's like being in a body that no longer fits me and it feels GROSS.
I know that it is my body reliving old traumas and I am usually able to be mindful and work out this imbalance quickly and tell my body and mind that I am not reliving my childhood, but July was an entirely different beast. Yes, we were in a Mercury retrograde, again, and many of us in the metaphysical community felt these fears...but knowing this still didn't help me shift out. Hearing that "it soon will be over" was just more frustrating, because my triggers and physical reactions where causing harm in my marriage.....there was fear that we may not make it out as a "we".....again..... lack of enough love.
The worst part about my intimacy paralysis is that it triggers my husband's fears. His biggest trigger is not having intimacy with his wife. His love language is touch and affirmations of love. When he is not receiving or connecting intimately with me, he physically gets ill and feels sick. He then starts to feel lack....lack of not being enough....not being loved.... and becomes desperate to fix it and spiraling out into panic.
His panic then feeds into my panic. His desire of touch and trials of coming towards me cause me to go farther inside myself. Our triggers are literally the opposite and when sparked, we become magnets pushing each other away instead of recharging each other.
In our marriage we set a golden rule to honor and respect one another by communicating our emotions and the needs of those emotions. He felt afraid and confused because his need for physical intimacy and affection was not being met. I felt tired and tense because my need for space and sustainment was not being met. In this case our needs were opposites....and our efforts to fulfill them lead to arguments and just more panic....we were confused and not sure what to do.
Now, take a step back...way back and allow yourself to ponder these questions: what if your marriage or partnership and all of its details were pre-planned? That you as a soul chose these trials and life situations to allow yourself to choose to grow, ascend and become closer to God? Meaning that you and your spouse are meant to help heal each other. To help each other to grow and expand out of learned behaviors and traumas. That there is gold in the pain....again, pain is the portal. Your spouse is a mirror to your soul and in that mirror you are able to see your shadows.
So....what did we do? How did we help each other grow and expand?
We reparented ourselves. Teaching each other that is was safe to come out from our bunkers.... by taking baby steps. Each moment and day at a time.
We kept our promise of clear communication about how we felt everyday, not matter how scared we were. We stayed vulnerable and let the other see our fear and held space for those feeling.
We also focused on other ways to connect. Swimming together, watching a show and discussing it together, listening to a podcast together...... tapping into our desire to learn is a way we can connect and stay present with each other.
We shared our appreciation for one another and what we were grateful for, showing our love in other ways. Being grateful is tremendously healing in all moments of life.
These connection practices got us to the New Moon on July 31st and we celebrated the eve of August with a New Moon Ceremony. We called it our first official Marriage Circle where we focused on giving space to each other to speak and to not interrupt. To fully listen and to receive. We were allowed to bring anything up and to release whatever idea, judgment, disappointment, emotion and need we had into the circle. When it was over we left whatever didn't serve us in our marriage. Our vulnerability in our circle was cleansing and magical.
And yes! August arrived and like magic we were back!
I hope that in my sharing of our struggle you find something that encourages you to keep talking, keep speaking your truth and stay vulnerable with your partner, spouse, or loved one. To look at them and ask "What are we learning from each other? How do we help each other ascend closer to Oneness?"
Let's Ascend Together!